Seems I am playing a game, but I'll never win. I'm convinced if I try just one more time, then I'll realize how to win. So I do. But I never find the solution. Can I please have a blueprint?

I want to go home. Really, really bad.

I'm not ready to be back at college.

There are many things that have happened since January. There has been a dark cloud lifted from my shoulders, and I have found some clarity in the things I missed. I will never be perfect, or completely better, but I am learning.

I am trying.

That is what is important to me.

I'm learning to love, to share, to trust. It is a scary experience, but I am doing what I can. It's hard. But progress on this front always is.

I'm doing what I can.

I don't promise I'll always make steps forward; sometimes a step backward is necessary. That is all I can expect. I just hope to make forward progress more than backward...

I will do the most I can at the time.

I will struggle up the mountain with that boulder on my shoulders, just to throw it over the side and free myself from it while I revel in the sunshine that awaits me at the top.

That sun will be so much sweeter when I catch it and keep it.

There is one thing in this entire world, in my entire life, that I have missed. It is a moment in time that I would give anything to be able to experience again. The person I experience it with would not be the same person as the moment, because that cannot be. It is a mutual cannot, so don't think I miss this individual. I don't. I miss the moment. This moment is of laying next to a boy. We're facing each other, and he's looking at me, smiling. I search his face, memorizing, questioning, believing everything. Our eyes meet, and his are filled with a happiness I cannot even begin to describe. This happiness is mirrored in my own eyes, and I cannot think of any place I'd rather be in that moment. I cannot get that moment out of my mind. Sometimes I close my eyes at night, and there he is, looking back at me. I miss that look. I miss that happiness.

I miss that me.

I don't know.
I'm doing better, but there are moments that I am simply not okay.
I survived through one ordeal, only to make it to another one.
I still need to continue to get better.
I am not having nightmares anymore.
I am weary.

Save me?